Orange Signs of Protection

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

I intentionally arrived twenty minutes early to avoid my son going to the dorms after practice – which would only accentuate the point that his friends were staying, but he was not. When arriving at the practice field, I could see my 13-yr-old in the pack already walking off the field in the opposite direction, despite my early arrival. I realized I would need to pick him up at the University Towers, one mile off of the far end of the field (where I could not drive). I picked the 16-yr-old up from the stadium behind me, and we hurried to the parking garage to retrieve the car.

At the parking lot exit, the one-way sign pointed in a direction opposite my desire. I went a

mile clockwise to get back to about 50 yards from the entrance to the parking garage. (Maybe I should have just gone the wrong way for 50 yards!)

I tried to turn left at Cate Ave, when I saw the LED sign that said, “Cate Ave closed 5/13 – 8/13.” Obviously, this teen soccer camp was my first visit to the college since 5/13. I turned around again and headed in a three-mile circle to get to the other side of Cate – to where the University Towers were.

As I arrived at the dorm, there were teenagers everywhere. The stench of the players filled the lobby, making me wish there were another door through which I could wait. The variety of teenage maturity never ceases to amaze me. Some looked like young puppies, wet behind the ears, and holding a stature of four-foot-something; others, though separated by just a few years, exhibited bodies ready for the cover of GQ, towering over six feet. The emotional maturity of the room had equal variance.

My younger son droopily walked toward me, his sweat-covered clothing evidencing his intense workout on a hot Carolina day.

The third door of the car barely closed when he started. “I understand you don’t want me to, but can I just know the reasons you don’t want me to stay overnight?” he said, resigned as he sat in the car behind his brother.

This conversation was held over from the previous week, when he had realized his friends were staying at the all-night soccer camp, but he and his brother were not. The first day of camp departure had only reopened the wounds.

I repeated my stand: “Dad and I prayed about it and decided this was best for our family.”

“Don’t you trust me?” He asked – hurt, yet clearly ready to lock horns.

“I do trust you. You are SO trustworthy, and please do not take personal offense at our decision!”

Thoughts of explanation went through my mind: “Chris and I have been traveling; we haven’t been a family in one house in several nights. Casey just came home from church camp and doesn’t need four more nights out of his bed. Fatigue leads to injury, and you both have a big competition in Greensboro the day this camp ends. I trust you, but I can’t say the same about all of the teens – up to college-age – that are in the building. We prayed and did not have peace leaving you overnight, so we chose to bring you both home each night.”

“A thirty-minute commute to your own bed?! Who wouldn’t want that?!” I said aloud with a lightened voice, trying to change the heavy mood of the car.

I started to turn to enter highway 40, but was blocked by a sideways police car and

flashing lights. I continued straight instead, into uncharted territory, looking for another way home.

Our conversation volley continued, until I finally said with love, “Trust me, bud. The best way I can say it is that we want what’s best for YOU.”

Man! The road came to another road closure. It sent me on a detour that ended up in a loop that circled around to five miles before I would have originally entered the highway! “This is so frustrating! I just want to go home!” was in my head, when my son’s boiling became noticeable as well. I could tell he disagreed with our decision to keep him home, yet was getting control of his attitude, and I needed to do the same.

I spoke out loud to my teens, figuring I would try to teach while reigning in my irritation.

“A friend was telling me about her BSF Bible study leader’s lesson on Joseph last week. Do you remember what happened to Joseph?”

They answered about his being sold into slavery by his brothers and taken to Egypt. (Genesis 37 – 50)

“But then what happened?”

The boys shared in the story telling. Through their low Eeyore-toned voices, I wondered if their eyes were rolling and thoughts were saying, “Here Mom goes again…” but they continued telling of how Joseph worked hard and became the lead servant, so he was brought into the palace of a leader of Egypt, Potiphar, and became his right-hand man.

“And then?” I asked, impressed at their memory of details.

They continued by saying that Joseph was put into jail, because Potiphar’s wife accused him of something he didn’t do.

“Yes! And THAT is where my friend’s story started. She was saying that jail could have been a good thing at that point.”

“Good?” Nate asked, holding onto his fight-ready mood, knowing jail didn’t sound like a good thing. I pictured his one eyebrow raised while the opposite top lip crunched up leaving his mouth open – his normal questioning facial features.

“My friend said that jail may have protected Joseph. Maybe jail prevented him from giving in to temptation for Potiphar’s wife if she had persisted. The Bible actually says we will never be tempted beyond our ability to resist (1Cor 10:13), so maybe God was actually protecting Joseph by removing him from the situation. I guess I think sometimes protection may feel like jail, but please know that we love you and are only trying to do what we think is best as parents to protect you.”

Oooh. Silence in the car. “I wonder if the point made as much sense to them as it did to me,” I mused at my motherhood. Then I almost laughed out loud when I realized that maybe the detours on the road that night were a “jail” that God was using to protect me as well.

My thirty-minute trip was taking over an hour on the return home due to detours, but at this moment, I was thankful for the extra time in the car. Maybe the detours were for such a conversation? Maybe the detours were for my own protection from some reckless car on the original route? Maybe the detours were for… “Ice Cream!” I saw a favorite stop ahead, now recognizing where we were. We stopped and got something all those kids in the dorm would certainly be missing!

There are so many parallels to the closed roads in my path that night:

– Home foreclosure may just be taking my friend to the right rental neighborhood where someone needs her smile.

– A deferred college application may be leading that young lady to choose the college where her future spouse will be.

– A job loss may protect someone from an ethical temptation that otherwise would have been difficult to resist, or it may be directing him to a new job with a better opportunity for his growth.

– Jochobed may have thought it a horrible “detour” when she was forced to give up her baby due to oppressive captors, yet her God-ordained “detour” led her baby Moses to grow up to free her nation from slavery. (Exodus 2)

– Joseph’s jail time may have protected him from Potiphar’s wife’s possibly tempting situation, but it definitely put him in the right place at the right time to eventually be promoted by Pharaoh. His new position of high authority allowed him to save Egypt and even his own family in Israel during a time of famine.

God’s detours are not always denials. They are not for us to scream, “How dare God change my plans!” ha! What we see as “detours” may be His gracious protection and direction. I can’t say I am thrilled when I see the “orange sign” ahead, but I can trust the Writer of the arrow as I follow. Of course, I am grateful for the ice cream stops along the way! 🙂

God bless,

Terri

“IF” (If My Daddy Had Not Been Struck By Lightning)– by my friend, Sarah Ascol

Are You a Basket Case?

Miscarriages, Slow Toddlers and Knees

Out of My Mind (with a Brain Tumor) Part I

When We Don’t See a Purpose

Shine On a Parade

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

My mom woke me one Pennsylvania morning on my birthday and told me God had wrapped my present in white, if I would just look outside. (SNOW!) Although, I had always wished for one of those cool pool-party-birthdays my friends had in the summer, my parents had a way of making my birthday special just five days before Christmas.

Mom never wrapped my birthday present in Christmas paper, but went through the

inconvenience of getting the “out of season” birthday paper to make my day different. I was the envy of my brothers (I was sure) when I got presents two days in the same week.

Then some adult came and rained on my parade.

“You must hate having a Christmas birthday!” the adult had said.

“What’s there to hate?” was my thought, but what I said at that young age was, “yeah,” in agreement with the adult, and my heart searched for reasons to hate it.

I am reminded of this every June 10^th, because I remember a time someone rained on my son’s parade. That date was already special to me because it is my friend’s birthday, but then we became parents on June 10^th of 1997, an answer to many prayers! June 10^th’s value multiplied when our second son was ALSO born on that same date three years later. I had painted their shared birthday with a positive brush, the same way my mother had painted my Christmas birthday with positive. My boys always get double cakes. (Although sometimes they help me and one requests cupcakes, cookies, or cookie dough instead!) Their uncles often call one, hang up and then call the other so they get double calls. They can “party hardy” together – and will have it in common all through adulthood. AND they can sing the song, “You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday too, yeah!” and really mean it!

Casey was four or five, when some adult came into his life and said, “You must hate sharing a birthday with your brother. That stinks.” I watched my son’s sky turn a little gray as he probably contemplated why it was a bad thing; he had never known any different.

It must be easier to rain on a parade than shine on it.

When my milk-allergic son was two, eating a frozen banana covered with sprinkles, enjoying every minute of it, someone at the store decided to shower some rain, “You can never have ice cream? Never? I couldn’t LIVE if I were you!”

Someone recently drizzled on my daughter, “You might be able to put dew from the grass on your face and wipe off those freckles.”

I know I know: some of those negative comments are from people just trying to be fun. Some are trying to “relate,” but too often un-contemplated words are just a form of precipitation on a parade! (My husband has spent hours counting the freckles on my daughter’s face – so I am thinking the “wiping the freckles off” comment didn’t stick, but I could practically see her thoughts: “Am I supposed to want to wipe them off?”)

Small talking at graduation parties recently, I saw my own tendency toward rain as thoughts crossed my mind during conversations. It IS easier to bring up negative subjects, spread negative news, or in other words: rain on the parade. But we are not called to the easier path. We CAN paint some positive into peoples’ lives. What if we encouraged the mother of the handicapped child, instead of pointing out how difficult her life is? (She already knew that part.) What if we told the person getting married that he is going to LOVE married life, instead of pointing out the ball and chain? What if we stop negatively saying, “You sure have your hands full!” to the mom with five young kids in the store and instead we say, “Wow, I bet you have some joyful times coming in your house!” What if we told someone in a storm of life that without the rain, a sun can never make a rainbow?

Do you remember someone who brought out the sun in your parade called life?

I remember what I considered, “messing up” a reading at church during the Christmas program when I was ten. Afterward, the minister’s wife came to me (as if she hadn’t even heard my error) and said, “You are a beautiful reader!”

Her husband immediately interjected, “And you read well too!”

Ha! That one pierced through some clouds.

I have told it before (when Shouting Out to my Dad) that when I had burned the cookies, and my brothers were making fun as brothers do, my father came in, took a bite and exclaimed, “Finally! Cookies made just the way I like them!!” That one still makes me smile – shining sun onto my parade thirty years later!

A most memorable sun shined into my life in February of 2010. A man sent an email to my husband with the subject title, “Should there be a second author in the Brady house?” This was a strange, “out of the blue” comment from someone I was yet to meet. Attached to the letter was a fifteen-page pdf presentation encouraging me to write. Apparently Russ Mack, who had helped get Chris’s best seller published, had seen me speak on stage somewhere with Chris. The first page of his document had a copy of the “NY Times Best Selling Author” award from my husband’s book, Launching a Leadership Revolution, but Russ had Photoshopped an “s” on the end, so the ribbon now said, “NY Times Best Selling Authors.”

For fifteen pages, Russ quoted Benjamin Franklin, (“We should all write something worth reading or live something worth writing.”) and others and told me “Somewhere, somebody is looking for exactly what you have to offer.” Since he was involved in marketing books, there was weight to his opinion that was both flattering and humbling to me. His sun was high in the sky, shining on my parade.

Despite little response from me and nothing in it for him, his encouragement didn’t stop. A few weeks later, he emailed me again to see if I had thought through his proposal. I must admit, I couldn’t figure out why he would continue encouraging me, especially since I had told him, “thanks, but no thanks.”

In 2011, another letter came, “It looks like the world still needs your wisdom.” Later that year, within one week of the first letter of this blog, this Russ Mack sent me another email telling me he knew it would be a success. I was shocked he had already found my blog, since I had not told him. Another letter came the next year. His sun shined brightly and consistently.

Although I only actually met him once or twice, I consider Russ’s encouragement such a blessing. He was such a sun on my parade.

But suns set.

Last week, Russ’s sun set, when he lost his battle to cancer and went to be with the Lord.

Though I did not know him well, I can tell you that the effects of his sun will warm and give light to my life and many others’.

May we each follow his example of shining onto the parades of others’ lives.

Encourage when there’s nothing in it for you.

Encourage again, even if there’s no acknowledgment.

Be positive toward others, even when you feel like your own life is a little cloudy, and you will be surprised how the sun reflects back on your own parade.

And one day, like Russ, when your sun is set, the effects will shine on the parades of others for years to come.

God bless,
Terri

1Thes 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Finding a Character to Marry (How to Find a Spouse)

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

Chris and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary last month! Yes, I got married when I was 10!

I thought it would be fun to write a note about “how to find a spouse,” but when I told Chris, he said, “How can you write about that subject, when there is only one as perfect as I am, and you already got me?!” Ha! Yes I do!

Truth be told, Chris was not the first man to propose to me. When I was a young intern at General Motors, every day when I returned from work to my 2^nd floor apartment in Sandusky, OH, a man was waiting in the parking lot. He would watch for my car, and then follow me to my place, shouting to my back, “Will you marry me? Please?!”

Having had a previous run-in with a stalker, I was always cautious when I lived alone. I added locks to keep even the landlord from being able to enter without my permission when I was home. In the balcony’s sliding glass door track, I put a long, 1-inch-diamter metal dowel that would prevent the door from sliding if the lock gave way.

When home after work one day, I put on my bathing suit and headed through that sliding glass door to my deck for some sun. I stepped out onto my balcony and slid the door closed behind me. Unfortunately, the rod slid down into the track as I pulled the door shut, locking me out onto my own deck. I stood out there in a bathing suit that was reserved for privacy of a 2^nd floor fenced balcony and wondered who would hear my voice from my perch. I scanned the area, and the only person within earshot was the man who wished to be my fiancé! I decided I would die of starvation on that deck before I would ever climb down in front of him, or ask him for help.

Haha!

Had I climbed down from there, maybe that would have been one way to gain a spouse. But that is not the way I am advocating in this Letter.

How to Find a Spouse

Tony Robbins suggests that you don’t marry someone until you know how he or she will react when: angry, sick, tired or wet. So I suppose you could ask your perspective spouse on a date to get something to eat, then drive around lost, delaying the meal, almost wrecking and drop him/her off in a big puddle in front of a sprinkler system to see the reaction. If you survive the night, you have found a fiancé! Luckily Chris didn’t choose that route.

When I searched online for “how to find a spouse,” there were many answers – which provided mere entertainment for me. Wikipedia, which is a website of “majority of opinions,” provided solutions, some of which were:

– Make a list of at least 15 things you want, physical features, etc. Then determine which ones you are willing to give up as less important and compromise.

– “If you cannot picture self with this person and being happy with them for 30/40 years, then they are not the right person for you. Take marriage seriously to avoid divorce.”

– “Go over your list and see what a person would see in you. If you want to marry someone with money, a rich person with any sense won’t take up with someone who is overly motivated by wealth; therefore, get your finances in order so that you aren’t desperate, can show that you know how to deal with money, and won’t be disappointed (at least not financially) by a prenuptial agreement.”

– Watch out. Probably not a good spouse if they have one of these red flags: 1. Can’t get their driver’s license, 2. Can’t hold a professional job. 3. Didn’t complete their college degree.

Or my favorite funny WIKI answer:

– “You don’t have to jump into bed with everyone you date to know if they are compatible.”

(WOW, I’m glad someone shared that!)

Further search online revealed an actual mathematical calculation for how to find a spouse.

In an article entitled, “How to Find a Spouse: A Problem in Discrete Mathematics with an Assist from Calculus,” Dan Teague states:

If there are N candidates, how can you maximize the probability that you select your best match?

Strategy: Date k people without making a selection. Then, select the first person judged to be better than any of the first k.

We want to find the value of k (relative to N) that gives us the greatest probability of selecting from the best spouse for among the N potential choices.

…The probability of success settles down as k increases to approximately 0.368 as well. Using this process, we find that we can be successful in selecting the best from a group of N by letting approximately 37% of the available positions go by then selecting the first choice better than any seen before about 37% of the time. And this is true no matter how large N is! This is a strikingly high probability. Using this process, you can select the best out of 5000 almost 37% of the time, by letting the first 1839 go by and then selecting the first choice better than any of those 1839.

So, in essence, date 1,839 people, and break up with them. Then choose the next one you like better than the first 1,839 and you may have found your spouse. This article also suggests to students that marrying your high school sweetheart is not a particularly good strategy, so don’t get too serious too soon. “Go out with a number of people to see whom you like and who likes you. Then make your choice.”

Wow! I guess Chris and I REALLY beat the odds, because he was a number less than 1,839!

Pastor Stephen Davey has different (and more helpful!) advice for looking for a spouse. In Chapter 7 of his book, Ruth (when Fairytales Come True), he says that there are no Bible verses that tell how to find a mate or biblically fall in love. I personally saw some methods in the Bible though: like God making a mate for a guy (Adam) out of one of his ribs (Genesis 2:22). Or having your dad send one of his servants to find you a mate working at the well (Genesis 24). Or maybe this one: work seven years to earn the right to marry your mate’s older sister, then work another seven years to earn the right to marry the one you really wanted (Genesis 29)!

OK, I jest. I am not suggesting those methods, but they seem easier than some of the methods I have heard people share!

Twenty-five percent of couples today meet online. Out of those, it is estimated 90% are lying about something on their profile. Guys tend to lie about income or current marital status (ouch!), while ladies are more likely to gloss over their physical attributes or their age, according to Davey’s book.

Many singles are trying to speed the process by developing more than one online relationship at a time!

So really, what is more godly: using an online dating service or your dad sending his servant to the nearest well to see if there are any chicks hanging out there? My answer: both are allowed by God…IF you do the right thing, and do not act in fear. (Lying, for example, is acting in fear – doing the wrong thing for fear the right thing will take too long). However, as Davey rightly cautions: wherever the meeting, online or at the well, it should be for introduction purposes only.

He continues by saying that the search for a mate shouldn’t be so much about looking for someone compatible – someone like you – as it should be about looking for someone with character – someone like Christ. “Looking” for a spouse and “waiting” for a spouse are two different actions. If you feel led to “wait” instead of “look,” then by all means wait! God has a plan for the character you will marry! The following still applies:

Davey has a “checklist of character traits,” that I thought worthy of sharing here. After all, I think this should trump WIKI’s opinion! This list is not only that which you would be seeking in a future spouse, but also one you should strive to emulate while you are waiting.

As John Maxwell says, we attract that which we are.

Checklist of Character Traits:

Spirituality :

If looking for a Christian mate, your search should begin with looking for conversion. Is their Christianity a secret? If they treat Christ dishonorably, they are more likely to do the same to you.
Is it a secret?
- Does your prospective spouse talk about God?
- Does he/she want to please Him?
- Does he/she encourage you to follow His ways?
- Have you ever seen his/her Bible?
- A common love for the Lord can erase all other compatibility issues.
Psalm 127:1 “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.”

Humility

“I can’t believe you chose me!” should be his/her attitude.
- Even after twenty years of marriage, I still feel this attitude from my husband, Chris…and I really can’t believe he chose ME!
While a common love for the Lord can erase compatibility issues, a common love for SELF will destroy any relationship.

Priority

What matters most to him/her?
What does he value most in you – and is it something that you value as well?
- If Chris had told me it was
  - my potential salary
  - my body
  - my hair
  - my common love for football and ability to throw it
- I would have realized it was TEMPORARY admiration
What your perspective spouse values most will be what he/she values in you and even your kids after marriage, so his/her priorities MATTER.
Priorities matter when judging character

Honesty

Has your perspective mate been truthful about things, even if it has the potential of ruining the party?
- Former relationships?
Have you seen him/her tell “little white lies?” without guilt?
- Calling in sick for work
- Fudging numbers to the landlord
No matter how it seems different, if you are the witness to lies, you are likely to be on the other side of a lie one day.
If you want an honest spouse, then honesty will be displayed before marriage.
If you want honest children one day, then marry an honest spouse.
I guess the only real candidates for your spouse should be those who are “candid dates.”
(OH, By the way, I did NOT get married when I was 10. I just felt I needed to clarify that lie right now. 🙂 )

Accountability

To whom does your perspective mate submit?
- His drinking buddies?
- Her girlfriends?
- You?
  - If your only accountability is each other, you will be like a ship floating at sea with no rudder. You will be lost.
Is it the Word of God?
You are accountable too!
- “Become someone who is willing to stay single, rather than disobey the Word of God, and you are worthy of being married. Find someone who is willing to stay single, rather than disobey the Word and they will be worthy of being your spouse.”
If that individual does not honor the Word of God, you have no evidence that they will lead an honorable life.

Purity

Purity is more than just “not going all the way.”
- What movies do you watch? Together and alone?
- What conversations do you have? in texting?
- You will know it is pure, when you could invite Jesus to sit down next to you and watch or read it.
  - Because He does.

Generosity

If you find someone who is stingy and selfish, do not think that he or she will become generous once you are married.
Does he think of others?
Is she serving and caring?
How does he treat his mother?
Are there causes on her heart outside of her hair salon?

“This is the kind of person to find…to become…to keep.” – Stephen Davey

Watch for “Finding a Character to Marry (How to Find a Spouse), Part 2” in another Letter to Lindsey soon.

God bless,

Terri Brady

P.S. I was able to shimmy the door on the balcony open, raising the dowel rod and allowing me back into my apartment without summoning a future fiancé or starving to death. I guess my blocked entry was not as break-in-proof as I had thought. 🙂

Throwing Myself Under the (School) Bus

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

Some of the most entertaining responses I have received when I said I homeschooled were:

“And you still have your hair?! That is amazing!” (Thanks, Melinda!)
“If I homeschooled, all that my kids would know how to do is shop at Target!” (Thanks for not homeschooling, my friend 🙂 .)
“I could never spend that much time with my kids; [and even worse,] they would never want to spend that much time with me!” (Thanks, lady at the park.)

Many feel compelled to tell me why they don’t homeschool – which really isn’t necessary – I know it is not for everyone. I am not a homeschool Nazi who thinks there is only one way to do well for your children. I have no vendetta against public school; I love all of my friends who send their kids to school; and I pretty much adore most of the teachers I have met.

More and more often, I hear, “How do you do that?” or “I wish I had done that.” And my favorite response: “Can you tell me why you would do that?” (Thank you, drug store employee!)

Children Who…

Chris explained to me one day, “I don’t look at our children as clay that we should mold, but as seeds God entrusted to us, and we should provide the best garden for their growth.”

The educational methods we have chosen are purposeful to allow our four children to grow to be adults who would:

Glorify the Lord
Reach their fullest potential
Are Hardworking (Prov 13:4)
Have a good attitude, showing the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22)
Are leaders in their homes, their churches, communities, and country

In summary, the principles we would like to instill would raise happy, healthy, productive Christian Americans.

The Princess Bride Story (sort of)

Have you heard this story about a princess? She was of marrying age, so her father began his search for the right man to whom he would promise his daughter’s hand in marriage. Man after man lined up, trying to impress the king to win his favor and take his daughter’s hand. A chariot race was arranged on the dirt path at the edge of the mountain and the husband wannabes prepared their horses and carriages for the show. One man stepped forward to gain the king’s attention and said, “I would like your daughter to ride with me; I will get her within one foot of the cliff’s edge and bring her safely to the end of the race.”

The next man could not be outdone, so he had a different promise: “Sir, I would love to win your favor so much that I will get your daughter within one INCH of the cliff’s edge and bring her safely to the race’s end.”

The third man walked slowly toward the king. He meekly began, “Sir, your daughter is of such value; I would not risk getting her anywhere near the edge of the cliff. I will deliver her safely, in the right time, as far from the cliff’s edge as I can.”

The king cancelled the race and promised the daughter’s hand to the third suitor who promised her safety.

Why Homeschool?

I suppose I feel as if a King has entrusted four children to me, and I want to deliver them

back to Him as safely as I am able. That is not to say that someone who does not homeschool is sending children over the edge of some cliff! Hear me out: I have met MANY public school educated people who are far from the edge of any cliffs themselves (including my perfect husband and perfect me! LOL).

…

“I can say that we have tried all kinds of schooling for our four kids: public school, private school and homeschool, and none of them works!” – Stephen Davey, tongue in cheek

Principal’s Principles

“Methods are many.

Principles are few.

Methods always change.

Principles never do.”

Homeschooling is not a principle in the Brady house; it is a method. This may be obvious since we currently have two in school and two schooling at home. This school year of 50-50 has shed light on both sides of the schooling methods, and spurred me to write you.

I have heard that data shows that the factor that is most influential over a child’s education is the parents’ active involvement in the education – whichever method is chosen.

“The philosophy of the schoolroom in one generation will be the philosophy of the government in the next,” Abraham Lincoln said. If that statement is true, then we parents had better know, and heartily agree with the philosophy of whatever schoolroom in which our children spend their weeks. (An article and a two minute video below tell a little bit about “Common Core,” a new classroom curriculum which has already started in 45 states. There is a core philosophy being mandated by the government, so I guess in those states, Lincoln’s quote could be restated: “The philosophy of the government in THIS generation will be the philosophy of the schoolroom, too.” But I digress…)

Normally, I would put a list of “recommended reading” at the end of a Letter, but the recommended reading here is practically more important than this Letter! So I want to include it here. Whether you homeschool, public school or private school, these books should be required reading for any parent:

The Reasons We Homeschool:

In her book, Debra Bell recommends writing down WHY you homeschool. (And I would recommend writing down WHAT YOU WANT AT THE OTHER END OF SCHOOL whichever method of schooling you choose – to keep yourself accountable to your principles.) This list has kept me “in” many times when the “bad wolf” was whispering contrary thoughts in my head; but it has also guided many decisions of ours, “Should we hire a teacher?” “Should we participate in a homeschool group?” “Should I offer to teach other like-minded families in a group or start our own school?” to name a few. We just look at how those decisions affect (or don’t affect) this list of benefits and then decide.

This list will be different for all families. Just because some of these are available to homeschoolers does NOT mean that these benefits are not available to public school or private school.

Brady Family: goals and benefits of homeschooling

Biblical values being taught and “caught” – consistent without wavering based on denominations, legalism, or tolerance. This includes consistent discipline – not 6 hours of one way, and then a totally different magnitude at home.
Closely knit family relationships. No age-group segregation to foster segregation within a family. Friends of all ages.
Flexible schedule for travel, neighbors in need, and visitors.
Speed of learning catered to individual and/or individual subject. Teach at a 1st grade level in reading, but 3rd grade in math, for example.
Style of learning catered to the individual Spoon-feeding methods and memorization versus self-teaching and reading classics; audio learning versus visual versus kinesthetic learning methods, etc.
Avoid negative comparison or labeling by people who don’t necessarily have my kids’ best interest in mind or don’t love them the way I do.
Avoid unnecessary negative influence of peers, teachers, or bullies.
Subjects of MY choice, based on my priorities: Bible, Employment, Self-employment, Business ownership and Investment quadrants of Cashflow (by Kiyosaki), outdoor play, music lessons, languages, people skills, etc.
1. Once they have learned to read, they should be able to read to learn in any subject so they can take that skill to be life-long learners.
Emphasize learning and mastery, not grades, standardized tests or brownie points.
1. Focus on learning to think, not learning what to think (DeMille)

10. Be influenced by other admirable homeschoolers.

11. Learn through experience. Learn history through traveling with Chris, etc. I will know what they have learned, so when we travel (even to grocery store!), I will be able to point out what applies to them at their level.

FAQ’s of Homeschooling:

Is it legal?
1. YES! Unless the government says our children are not our own…which unfortunately seems to be too common of a trend in what I see. Go to the Homeschool Legal Defense Association website to see legal requirements for your state: www.hslda.org
What about socialization?
1. Yep. Schools are better at teaching socialism. Haha! J
2. I asked this question about socialization originally of a homeschool mother and she said, “Do you want your 5-yr-old to learn social skills from another 5-yr-old? Or an adult?” Good point.
3. When I began, I coerced 3 or 4 good friends to do it with me. (OK – they say I dragged them into it – but over a decade later, and they have helped guide me as much or more than any opposite force.) There was no “trend” of friends to follow, but homeschoolers had laid a path that we found with ease. We got our kids together once/week for gym, music and art. The group grew to be 40+ families of 100+ kids by the time I left Michigan two years ago. Now here in Raleigh, NC, there are thousands in the homeschool groups, and several from which to choose. Socialization is with the right people during socialization time; learning takes place one on one in a quiet (well, relatively quiet) home.
Am I able do it?
1. Did you teach your child to use the bathroom? Tie his shoes? Make his bed? You have been homeschooling all along.
2. If you don’t know where to begin, there are many resources available for telling you word-for-word what to do and say daily.
3. In my experience, 5 and 6-yr-olds practically teach themselves when we offer them the right educational options of reading and play.
What about special needs? ADHD?
1. Special needs do not disqualify the ability to homeschool. Part of the confidence I had when I began homeschooling was due to working one-on-one with an autistic child, to whom his mother and I (among others) taught lessons each day, recording progress in a notebook. Thanks to God and the behavioral therapy, the non-speaking three-yr-old became an active kindergartener in public school just two years later, with no diagnosis of autism present. (Read “Let Me Hear Your Voice” by Katherine Maurice for additional information.)
2. ADHD children might fair well when treated individually, at their own pace and designed environment.
What does it cost?
1. A part of me wants to answer this one, “everything!” since every part of me becomes part of homeschooling. But in dollar terms, the cost varies based on the method chosen, which means it varies A LOT! Robinsoncurriculum.com offers a K-12 classics curriculum for under $400 for 13 years’ worth (less on eBay). Amblesideonline.org offers completely free downloads and reading lists by grade-level that provide most of the needs for FREE. A local homeschool group offers classes for most high school courses for about $500 each subject/year. Classical conversations costs about $1500/year for middle school. EBay changes all the numbers. As you can see, the cost varies greatly.
How much time does it take every day?
1. Oliver DeMille, in Thomas Jefferson Education, suggests spending five hours/day doing something academic. Some kids will drive themselves more from there. Younger kids, less.
2. In the early years (K-3^rd grade), I rarely spend more than 2 hours working with the student. Often 20min reading lesson and a little math and they are off on their own- reading, exploring the outdoors, etc. Last I checked, Kindergarten is still optional in many states, as well as the Brady home. The “incidental learning” through influence of reading aloud and playing games made Kindergarten “requirements” satisfied by age three or four for all four of our children – so I was never too worried about officially “starting school.”
3. It is impossible to measure length of time in homeschooling. Maybe we work 8am-11am specifically teaching, but then I see Christine (9) off in the woods in the backyard, carrying a journal and the Nature Handbook with her. And I see JR (7) trying to get his remote control car to balance, holding the magazine that he hand-made for a friend down the street. Then we snuggle with popcorn and books (See the letter: “Raising Readers”) or get out the map at night, to see where Pagoo went on his journey during bedtime reading. How much time did it take to “do school”?
What curriculum do you use?
1. I highly recommend anyone trying to choose a curriculum to read the DeMille and Bell books (above), before choosing. I don’t use the same curriculum for all of my children (see “reason why Bradys homeschool” #5 above). Look for a future Letter to Lindsey regarding getting started.
2. When I first began homeschooling, I simply brought school home; I even boasted, “I use the same curriculum as some schools.” However, experience has told me that I was not satisfying #4, 5, 8 or 10 of my reasons by just selecting a box curriculum (like A Beka or Bob Jones) and staying with it. So I branched. I got rid of the “chalkboard mentality paradigm” I had from growing up in school. Now, we do Bible, math and grammar/penmanship together and then focus on reading classics. Incidentally, if anyone asks, I highly recommend to anyone starting homeschool – especially with a child who has been in school – that they begin with a box curriculum like A Beka or Bob Jones, because it gets the daily routine right before you start picking and choosing creatively.)
Is there an age when you shouldn’t homeschool anymore?
1. My first “age” goal to reach for each child was 10-yrs-old. The goal was that after age 10, we could reevaluate whether homeschool was right for us. Dr. James Dobson says that if a child is given one standard consistently until the age of 8-10 years old, he is much less likely to veer from it. This goes along with the fact that most discipline for obedience within a home is heavily required until around age 6-10. If, however, the foundation has many “blows to its base” when a 1^st grade teacher teaches evolution, for example, or promotes divorce, or doesn’t punish for a child’s lie, the child is more likely to not only question his beliefs, but his parents’ as well. So it was my first goal to get to age 10. Of course, we loved it and went beyond.
2. My friend, Donna Ascol, who has graduated 4 homeschoolers with high school and associates degrees at the same time, and still homeschools two more says, “If I could only homeschool two years of their whole lives, it would be 6^th and 7^th grade.” I agree that those two years can be painfully unforgettable and unrealistic on the social skills of peers; I have not been put inside of a locker since 7^th grade. LOL.
3. We put our eldest in school at 9^th grade, but I do NOT say that high school is the age where all should go to school…if they go to school at all! It was right for him, but it may not be right for all. My second son will be coming back home for 8^th grade next year: his request; our choice.
4. It goes back to praying through the pros and cons of your personal situation for each child. Reevaluating every year takes the pressure off. No for now doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind next year. Chris and I have often come to lean in a direction, just because it has less chance of regret. I will never regret the extra time I have spent with my kids, never.
What obstacles are there to overcome? (The way to overcome any obstacle is to make sure the dream is bigger than the obstacle. Stay focused on your “reasons for homeschooling” any time one of these obstacles arises in your mind. Believe me, those school buses never look so appealing to me as every February; I get my list of “why” back out and read it!)
1. Family and Friends: With any good decision comes resistance. Well-meaning family and friends can weigh a homeschooler down. I had to understand that even though it was TRULY not in my heart, my homeschooling implied that their schooling choice was not as good as my own. Not true, but I am guessing they felt it regardless. Time allowed us all to encourage each other in our choices, knowing God has a plan for each.
2. Parenting: The fluency of homeschooling is limited by our own discipline within the home. Many have told me they want to homeschool, but their kids won’t listen to them. Sad. Excuse. If we can’t train them to listen to us, the parents, to what authority will they listen? Look at statistics of peer pressure and you get the answer. It is ok to make demands of your children – even in schooling. I am ashamed that I used to think that was “someone else’s job.”
3. Toddlers: I don’t like calling children “obstacles,” but toddlers bring a challenge to homeschooling – not an impossibility – a challenge. You can do it anyway! Yes, it is easier now that I don’t have to try to dance with Cheerios in my hair to distract the 1-yr-old while, cleaning up the Play-Doh of the 3-yr-old, all while teaching the 6-yr-old addition, and the 9-yr-old science, but it was worth it. Much has been written about homeschooling with toddlers in the room, so I won’t bore with details, but I encourage you to look into it. (Help for the Harried Homeschooler is a good place to start.) It makes me oh so sad when I hear of a mom that gives up homeschooling her 6-yr-old because she is afraid her 3 and 1-yr-olds were too much of a distraction! (See answer to #6 above for how much time it takes. See Obstacles #9d (perfectionism) below and overcome it. Then re-read your reasons to homeschool before you consider putting a six-year-old in school due to younger siblings.)
4. Perfectionism: My desire for perfectionism was such an obstacle, that it was the most common whisper/shout in my ear, trying to persuade me to put my kids in school. Sometimes the house fell apart. (THAT is funny that I just used past-tense, since it STILL falls apart!) The school day almost NEVER looks perfect. (“Almost” is optional in that sentence.) I too often imagined that some teacher, any teacher would do a better job than I was doing. SHE would be more organized. HE would get all of the checkmarks in the box for the day. But raising a child is not about collecting checkmarks! Raising the next generation of leaders will not always look organized! Now that I have some years of experience in homeschooling, I can confidently tell you that years of imperfect homeschooling are leading to mature children who are progressing in the direction of happy, healthy, productive Christian Americans.

Who should NOT homeschool?

If the only reason you want to take your kids out of school is so they don’t wake you up in the morning, please don’t.
If you are only half-interested in it, please don’t.
If you are only mad at a teacher, please don’t. Rectify things with the teacher, and then make a decision through prayer.
If you call your husband a “*&^#&*$^@bleep who won’t clean the toilets!” your kids could use a better influence. (HAHA – Remember from my last letter, “It Began as a Walk in the Park”?)
If you don’t feel called to homeschool, nothing is wrong with you. There are other options and God may be using your life and your children’s in those situations for His glory! Press on!

In love,

Terri Brady

Two minute video on Common Core: http://youtu.be/9gyZDtzgta8

Article on two moms who who got involved and made a difference for their state when they noticed something had changed because their school started using Common Core: Two Moms Versus Common Core

It Began as a Walk in the Park (the beginning story of my homeschool)
Homeschooling Missing Ingredients (Mistakes I’ve Made)
Act Like the Mom!

It Began as a Walk in the Park

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Terri

Positive Influence

The seeds had been planted 5 years earlier, but they didn’t actually begin to sprout until one day when I took a walk to the park. I was married with one child. After walking my then one-yr-old to the park on a Thursday morning, I found teenagers playing on the playset. Disappointed that these “truant hooligans” were using the equipment for tag, I turned my stroller around to head home, since running teens would not make a safe environment for my newly walking one-year-old.

That is when one of the teens yelled, “Hey everybody! Get off of the playground equipment! There’s a baby here to play!”

I had somehow become accustomed to rude teenagers at this park, who were too often self-centered, (and likely skipping school). I couldn’t believe my ears! One of the girls came over, confidently looked me in the eyes with a smile and said, “Here, you can have the playset; we will go over to the woods to continue our game.”

“What planet are you from?” I asked.

OK, not really, but I could have asked that, because I was that surprised by their respectful behavior toward my son and me. Not one of them was wearing something I would not wear – nor wearing something I would be embarrassed for her to wear if she sat next to my husband on a plane. I realized they might make good babysitters, so I asked them for their phone numbers. They excitedly gave me their names, when I realized I WAS ASKING COMPLETE STRANGERS TO BABYSIT MY KID!

I decided I needed references – which is when I asked which school they attended and found out they were homeschooled. For the first time, I thought, “These homeschoolers are different, and if this is the fruit of the homeschool tree, maybe I should stop judging them and investigate how those roots began!”

I had never heard of homeschooling until I was an adult. Chris and I had gone to public school, and no other path for my children had ever crossed my mind. The first I heard of homeschooling was as a newlywed when I attended a family funeral where I met Chris’s cousins who homeschooled. “That is bizarre!” was my only thought.

It is sad, but my first look at almost any change is always a negative look, with my mind locked shut.

The family almost whispered about those cousins, as if they agreed on my “bizarre” label. My judging response was in the form of questions that I didn’t have the courage to ask – because I wasn’t seeking answers, only judging:

“Isn’t that against the law?”
“Do they think they are better than the mass public, so their children need different teaching?”
“Do they know they can’t shelter their kids forever (assuming that is what they are trying to do) and those kids are going to have to face the real world one day?”
“I hope they know what they are doing; lives of children are at stake!”

But seeds were planted, and they grew in God’s timing – which happened to be five years later– when I took the walk to the park.

Negative Influence

Fast forward from my park story two years, and I had a three-year-old and a baby.

My neighbor two doors down in that park’s neighborhood also had a three-year-old within a couple months of Casey’s age. She and I were very different. While my husband and I worked on beginning a business of striving for excellence in life and attended church regularly, she and her husband headed in a different direction. I devoured Dr. Dobson’s parenting books, chose to avoid allowing our children to watch TV or movies, and strived to improve myself with the same disciplines. She had favorite soap operas, used R-rated language in normal conversation with her children or me, and often referred to her husband as the #@#$#%#$ bleep who wouldn’t clean the toilet! The f-word was her favorite descriptor; her husband was considered her servant and her children her burden to bear if they ever stepped away from the television. I will never forget the chill that ran down my back the day she excitedly told me, “Our boys will be able to walk to school together!”

I have heard that we are a product of the books we read, the words we hear and the people with whom we associate. I suddenly realized that although as an adult I can choose my books, CD’s and surrounding people, my some-day-5-year-old, would not have that option. He would be a product of his zipcode that determined which school he would attend.

During this same time, a good friend of mine innocently shared a story of her 1^st grader.

She had gone to school to help with the class, and took pity on her son’s classmate, a 6-yr-old who was working through his lettering book. While the rest of the class used the “writing station time” to go through one letter at a time and had mostly progressed to the “R-S-T-U-V” stage, this little guy was still on the “D-E-F-G” pages. She knelt down and helped him, while he got more and more frustrated. The teacher ran over to my friend and told her to stop helping the boy. The teacher then turned to the almost tearful boy and gave him a verbal lashing for being so slow and behind the class, and he “would surely be doing letters in summer school if he didn’t pick up his pace!” My friend was upset, seeing the damage the teacher’s words could do to the boy, but not sure what to do about the situation. Obviously, there may have been much behavioral history with that child in that class, but the teacher’s lashing threats didn’t seem likely to inspire improvement. Besides, there were twenty-five other students that needed the teacher’s attention; she certainly didn’t have time to cater to every rabbit and snail, so she was choosing. I may have done the same if I were a teacher of twenty-five 6-yr-olds!

It was around this time that it dawned on me: If I were hiring someone to watch over my children 30 hours/week, it would not be a light decision. I would be interested in the person’s love for children, patience and understanding during challenges, religious stand, interest in flying planes into buildings and the many other rights and wrongs which people in our country coexist in disagreement. I believe we should take the same approach to “hiring” someone to be with our children (plus 20-30 others in the classroom) for thirty hours a week. Even if MANY kindergarten teachers could teach my children better than I, have more patience, more experience and more creativity than I, NOT ONE could love my child more than I, and therefore, we chose to homeschool…at least for a while.

Define what you want; Learn from somebody who has it; and Do what they have done.

I hunted down the mother of those teens from the park two years prior. I was sure she thought I was crazy, (Since my oldest child was three, I was hardly putting him in school!) but I liked the fruit shown in her girls that day, and I wanted my children to display it. I wrote down a list of questions, and invited this otherwise stranger to lunch so I could grill her on them. I saved the list – and recently came across it. (The list and her answers are attached at the bottom of this letter.)

As with major decisions, we prayed while we listed the pros and cons of each schooling scenario, and then made the decision that was best for the Brady family. My goal with this week’s Letters on homeschooling is not to make my decision be your decision, but to encourage you to strive for excellence even in the education of your children. I am embarrassed to say that there was a time when I didn’t believe that my children’s education fell within my responsibility. “Isn’t that part of paying taxes?” Now I think differently.

Homeschooling

I have been very impressed with the homeschoolers I have met, and would love them to influence my children. When I hear, “Mom, can you wake me up at 6am tomorrow, so I can read before school?” from my daughter, or “I am selling my ski-boat that I bought when I was 13 with money from the business I started,” (selling CD’s of his piano playing) from a young man at church, I recognize fruit on a homeschooling tree. Homeschoolers do not go without criticism, though; I have met many that are too shy, some that seem non-perseverant, and a friend this week told me she knew a family of them that was “rude, just rude!” But in my humble experience, the odds are that the fruit is the kind of sweet that I want to experience in my home.

I am sure that God will continue to write a testimony for each of us. I am including links below of news articles in the past few weeks alone that continue to keep me happy to be a homeschooling mom.

In love,

Terri Brady

Related Letters to Lindsey:

Frequently Asked (Homeschool) Questions, Frequently Overcome Obstacles and Who should NOT homeschool at: Throwing Myself Under the (School) Bus.
Raising Readers

Recent SHOCKING News articles:

April 13, 2013: A father finds a note in his fourth grader’s bag that says, “I am wiling to give up some of my constitutional rights in order to be safer or more secure.” READ MORE.

May 2, 2013: “’Can I kiss you?’ That’s what middle school girls were told to ask one another during an anti-bullying lesson at Linden Avenue Middle School in Red Hook, NY.” READ MORE.

April 10, 2013: MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry says, “We have to break through our kind of private idea that kids belong to their parents or kids belong to their families and recognize that kids belong to whole communities.” READ MORE.

January 23, 2013: “Common Core” is Obama’s “War on Academic Standards.” Accepted in 45 states, it will dumb our country down, one student at a time. “It doesn’t start with the ‘low-information voter.’ It starts with the no-knowledge student.” READ MORE

March 21, 2012: Statistics of homeschools compared to Public Schools: READ MORE

…

My original questions of the “stranger” homeschool mom from the park: (Her answers in her words are in red. On a future Letter, I plan to include more FAQ’s with my own answers as supplements.)

How do I get official requirements?
1. Go to www.hslda.com and look it up.
Are there associations (for social interactions, etc.)
1. Yes. Search for the nearest homeschool store, and they normally have a list. [HSLDA also has a list of homeschool associations by location.]
Trading kids for certain subjects: what do you think?
1. We have not done it often, but it is helpful in higher maths, or foreign language if you don’t have the experience. Also, we have found that apprenticing is the best training there is, so we often trade kids to apprentice in new skills at our businesses.
What about sports?
1. In Michigan [where I lived at the time], it is the school’s option to include or not include homeschoolers. [Since then, Tim Tebow has made homeschoolers in sports a little more visible, since in FL, they are allowed to play on school teams. It varies state by state, but there are many competitive sports (gymnastics, travel soccer and baseball, for example) outside of school that are even more competitive than the school sports. Today, there are many homeschool support groups that supply sports teams which compete against local private schools. We have also recently learned that the highest level of competitive high-school age soccer does not allow the players to play for their high schools in addition to their clubs, anyway, so homeschool’s possibly limiting sports in school would be a moot point.]
What about socialization?
1. Socialization doesn’t occur with kids – peer pressure does. Social skills come from parents.
How do homeschooled kids fair in college?
1. They do as well as public school kids. [That was her answer in 2000, however my research as my oldest entered high school shows that colleges include homeschoolers as a “normal” part of their admissions. They have pages dedicated to homeschool requirements for admissions. Also, some states (at least FL and NC that I know) have a “dual enrollment” program that begins at age 16. Academically gifted students can take college courses for “free” at the local college, and actually earn an associates degree as they graduate from homeschool high school.]
Do you schedule time or do it “as you go”?
1. We do better with a scheduled start time and rotation, but many are more flexible than I.
Do you have a formal setting for school? Chalkboard? Multiple ages together?
1. It is as formal as you like. Subjects like history – where it doesn’t matter the order in which you learn it, we all are together. Subjects like math, I do each child individually. I used to think I needed a chalk board, since that is what I was used to growing up, but I found it unnecessary; it is more intimate on paper together.
Gym class? Art? I don’t want to limit my son to my ability.
1. Oh yes! There are plenty of classes available, so you are never limited by only your ability.
I am all for a Biblical foundation, but am I limiting witnessing to other people who don’t have that opportunity if I don’t put him in a school with them?
1. By homeschooling, you help create a foundation that will be strong for witnessing. If God calls you to homeschooling, then He has other plans for the timing of your kids’ witnessing.

Another wise mom, Sue Gray, taught me her principles for homeschool:

F – Fear God not man.

A – Acknowledge where strength comes from.

C – Conform to Christ not culture.

E – Endure all things because Christ did first.

For Fun: The Guy Version of The Stranger’s Sketch

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

Did you see my post yesterday? You will not understand today’s post unless you saw yesterday’s so I encourage you to read it first here: The Stranger’s Sketch.

And then have fun analyzing the humor in someone’s parody of the same video “from a guy’s perspective” here:

The funny part of the video (the fact that some people see themselves as,… well, uh, perfect) does not have to be gender specific to men. (Although, the video-maker entitled it “guy’s perspective.”) There are different versions of self-portraits in both genders.

The overall point remains the same: it is not self-esteem, but God-esteem that matters in the bigger picture called life.

The Stranger’s Sketch

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Terri

“The stranger’s sketch was a little more like, …gentle,” she said, fidgeting her fingers, as she looked at someone’s sketch of her, based on the stranger’s description.

A friend sent this Dove commercial to me, and I thought it worthy of sharing. Take the 6+ minutes today, and see the points. But PLEASE read on, my friend.

The gist of the video is that a forensic artist who had spent decades sketching “bad guys” based on a witness’s description, used his talent to draw two separate sketches of the same woman. The first sketch was based on the woman’s description of herself, while she sat out of the artist’s sight. The second sketch was based on someone else’s words, describing the same woman to the artist through the curtain as he drew. Each completed drawing amazingly resembled the woman who was described, yet the resulting sketches, though of the same woman, were very different.

I smiled, and even teared up as each woman saw the sketch made from her own self-description compared to the sketch made from someone else’s description.

“I look more open, friendly and…happy,” one said, speaking of the sketch from the other’s description. No matter which woman self-described and then was described by another, the sketches came out as similar comparisons: the self-description sketch was not as attractive as the one drawn using another person’s description.

Maybe it was the sad background music, but I mused in retrospect, as my melancholy personality saw the gloom in it: “Yeah, but what if someone who had known me for a longer time – not the stranger in the waiting room – had described me for drawing? Then it would have been more true…uglier.”

Get thee behind me satan!

Beauty Tips

External beauty is not the goal and never has been.

I loved the video for pointing out to me (again!) how much the beauty dragon blows fire into our lives. Any time we are measuring ourselves and our worth based on bones in our chins, (yes, I’ll leave that plural for the fun of it), our skin tone or eyelash length, we are doomed for unhappiness. True joy doesn’t change.

What is neverchanging is our real worth. What really matters is not our self-description, but who we are in the Lord’s eyes. “Whose we are” should radiate!

If we encourage another woman today, we can have the best facelift available (and give one too)!

If we are mournful of our sin, no one can take away our comfort! (Matt 5:4) And that is worth some crows’ feet to get there!

When I truly think that God, His son not sparing, sent Him to die on a cross for my sins, that I may be white as snow…then the number of imperfections of my face fades in comparison.

You are beautiful, my friend. You are a child of God. Any stranger can see it. No matter your past, the weight of the imperfections you try to carry, in Christ alone, you are perfect.

In his sermon yesterday, Dr. Stephen Davey shared that we are “…identity thieves. We have the sinless identity of Christ. It was His gift to us. Practicing our identity in Him is our gift back.”

So how do your eyes look now? Radiant! Just the way He intended. Much like His.

In love,

Terri Brady

P.S. How about these verses to douse the dragon’s fire?

1 Sam 16:7: But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

John 7:24: “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.”

Ephesians 2:10: For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I Cut Off Its Head.

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

This gruesome story is not for the weak-stomached, but the analogy was too appropriate

to ignore.

I cut off its head.

Well, not quite, but I came close. The snake was still moving so much after I tried, my father-in-law quickly took the spade from my hands and gave it another whack.

The intruder was in my garage – where my children and dog would be within seconds, so I needed to act fast, and unfortunately, that didn’t allow time for Google-searching, “serpent identification.” I just chopped.

Even after the blow from my father-in-law, the snake’s body continued to vigorously writhe while the head lay inches away. Back and forth, the snake’s body thrashed, as if trying to escape, but getting nowhere. It rolled over; it serpentined without forward motion; it slowed, and then careened. At one point, the decapitated body tied itself into an intricate knot, and then untied again. It took over twenty LONG minutes for the creature to stop its movement. (I couldn’t watch – but I did return after a few minutes, and could hardly believe its body still moved.)

As gruesome as the picture was, I would have done it again if I were presented the same situation: kids, dog, and snake.

Why would a dead body continue moving like that? I wondered at the ugliness of it all. My father, a farmer to the core, has told stories of chickens running with their heads cut off. (It’s not just a saying; it really happens!) I even had a fish jump off of the cleaning table one time with an entire half of its body already filleted!…but that is another story altogether.

The snake, often likened to sin due to the devil taking the shape of a serpent in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3), reminded me of sin even in the way it died:

We cut off the head.
The body writhes, starved of sustenance,
…until it dies.

Bad habits die the same way: we say we won’t do it. Our body rebels, writhing loudly for minutes, days, or months, but if we starve it …it dies.

Negatively Speaking:

I distinctly remember a time when I enjoyed an outlet of letting off negative steam. There was a group of ladies complaining, and I joined them. It quickly became a habit. The more they laughed about the negative way I portrayed the day, my boss, some other girl, or even my husband (gasp!), the more fun I had talking negatively and trumping their stories.

Sarcasm oozed from my mouth on Monday mornings. Grumbling had become a main dish I served. Eventually, there came a day when I didn’t like the gloomy, complaining outlook I could paint on any day or situation– all in the name of humor. I didn’t want to be the negative, slandering person I had become. I was far from “edifying and lifting others up.” (1Thess 5:11) Often a little too close to gossip, I decided I needed to stop. I made the first chop at the sinful snake’s head.

A snake is hard to kill! A friend once told me that for Lent, she was giving up criticizing, condemning and complaining. Three days in, she said, “I am never going to make it! I can’t think of anything to say!”

Her story is funny, but I tell you that when I decided to stop my negativity, only a day went by before someone said something bad about someone and I chimed in perfectly negative unison with her.

The body of the snake was still thrashing. Had I really disconnected its head?

I began controlling the action of talking – biting my tongue, so to speak. I didn’t SAY the negative, but the could-be-words played in my head, and the guilt felt the same.

The body of the snake was still jerking. I asked for forgiveness.

The best way to avoid accidentally expressing a negative opinion of someone is not to have it. Through prayer, I tried to replace the thoughts with more God-honoring ones. (Phil 4:8) Slowly the negativity subsided. The snake stopped moving. I was able to walk away from negative conversations without joining, or even thinking of what I could have said. I am not perfect – and will not be until eternity. I want to be, but to my dismay, the snake’s body still quivers all too often. Change takes time.

My 12-yr-old recently told me he had been trying to get rid of something in his own life. It’s not important what it was, but it IS important what he said: “Mom, I just realized the reason I couldn’t stop doing it is because I was trying to do it alone instead of depending on God to help me.” He didn’t know that he had ministered to me that day.

I told my oldest (15-yr-old) one morning that I was thinking of writing a blog about the snake in our garage and I asked how he thought the snake paralleled sin. He quickly said, “If you don’t kill the snake in the garage, it will grow up and have babies all over the house.” Wow. It is as though he knew James 1:15: “Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

Maybe the Apostle Paul was talking about the twitches of the dead snake when he said that he had discovered this principle of life–that when he wanted to do what was right, he inevitably did what is wrong. (Romans 7:21)

But my 12-yr-old had great advice for the battle: in Christ, the snake’s head is cut off! So don’t lose heart: in Christ, you win. With Him, all things are possible. (Phil 4:13)

“We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.” (Rom 6:6)

Whether the snake is:

blaming,
pessimistic thinking,
slandering,
self-destructive habits,
laziness,
lack of emotional control,
lack of self-control
overspending,
overeating,
criticizing,
condemning,
complaining or any other variety of the species,

CHOP OFF THE HEAD!

Change takes time, but the victory awaits!

Identify the problem. Chop off the snake’s head!
When you get a twitch of the old self, all is not lost. It is a dying body. Apologize and stay focused on where you are headed.
The only way the sin will be dead is when we trust God to be our new head. You can, because He can!

2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Keeping my spade in hand,

Terri

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” –Socrates (through Kristin Schill on Twitter)

“God created the world out of nothing, & as long as we are nothing, He can make something out of us.” – Martin Luther (through Laurie Woodward on Twitter)

Crucify Him! (the song)

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Terri

Good Friday

Dear Lindsey,

Music somehow reaches the core of my being. A certain song will command movement and make a workout more intense; another tune will force a smile to overcome my countenance; yet other combinations of notes slow my pulse and restore me.

“I wrote this song yesterday; I think this is the piece we have needed for our Good Friday service,” Gary Hallquist, the pastor of music ministry of our church, said a little over a year ago. His music-writing amazes me.

Our Good Friday “Service of Shadows” is a choral and orchestral production centered around Scripture reading, depicting the last days of Christ before crucifixion. The lighting changes to darkness slowly throughout the musical evening, ending the service in complete darkness and silence, as if the Light of the World was extinguished. On Sunday morning, the service begins in the dark, and the lights come up – into full brightness to celebrate the Resurrection.

At the Service of Shadows, singing “There is a Fountain” or “Oh Precious Savior” leaves the listeners and singers in wonder and awe of Christ. But Gary’s song called, “Crucify Him!” stirs different emotions. I didn’t want to sing it.

The orchestra leads the introduction with dissonance. Conflicting notes that don’t yield “happy” build on top of one another, creating suspense like the theme from “Jaws”. The listener is transported back in time to the day that Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor of Judea, asked the crowd, “What do you want me to do with Jesus?”

“Crucify Him!” is almost shouted in bass tones in a syncopated rhythm that is woven throughout the piece. The shout begins on the first beat of the measure, but then it changes: beat two, or the second half of four – as if a crowd is sporadically shouting their opinions, yet so musical in chorus. The orchestra echoes the rhythm, with the bass instruments randomly repeating it while the choir is singing other melodies, like an underlying hatred in the world.

I hate singing, “Crucify Him!” The words pierce my heart, yet I know singing it creates the emotions for the service that must have been there the day the chief priests and officers were shouting it to the Roman prefect. (John 19:6)

The men sections come in full force, singing the words of Pilate in powerfully ominous bass tones: “Whom do you want me to release to you?”

The choir women answer as if they are the crowd of Jewish leaders in front of Pilate, “Give us Barabbas!”

“What do you want with Jesus your king?” Pilate (the choir men) asks.

The crowd (choir women) interrupts with the answer, “We have no king but Caesar; We want Him put to death! His blood be on us and our children!”

What… an… angry… crowd. I cannot imagine the emotional overcast that day.

Do I have to sing and pretend to be that?! I would NEVER scream, “Crucify Him!” If I were there, how could I possibly say that I would rather have Pilate release a prisoner and kill the Son of God instead? Barabbas was known for robbery, which in those days often meant terrorism and/or bloody insurrection. (Mark 15:7) I would NEVER have chosen to release him, knowing that with my words, I could have voted for Pilate to release Jesus, a man who never sinned, instead!

Do you ever have these thoughts?

“How could those leaders act like that? Wasn’t a crowd just yelling, ‘Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!’ last Sunday?” (John 12)
“How could Peter, one of the disciples, say he didn’t even know Jesus, when just hours before, Jesus had washed his very feet with His own hands?” (John 18:17)
What kind of man is Pilate, that he would allow a crowd to make the decision for his conviction.
“I would NEVER yell, ‘Crucify Him!’ I would never want to free a bad guy instead. I would NEVER say I didn’t know Jesus. I would never be like that.”

But I can never say, “never.”

When I judgmentally thought, “That’s disgusting,” looking at someone dressed differently, adorned with things I would not have near my body, and walking in an unattractive way, I was not loving.

When I had to talk myself back into emotional control when the flight attendant gave me a hard time about “FAA regulations,” (which must not have existed on the 3 previous flights that day!) I was not seeing her as Jesus.

When I received a negative email, how much did I want to return the negative with a kiss of betrayal?

“Crucify Him!” I was shouting with each thought, each emotion, each lack of love.

If I am not for Him, I am against Him. (John 3:18) I shout “Hosanna!” in church, and by the time I am home at the end of the week, or sometimes even the day, I have denied Him three times.

I cannot say, “never.”

Barabbas was guilty.

Jesus was innocent.

Barabbas lived; and on that first “Good Friday,” Jesus died in his place.

I am guilty; Jesus died in my place.

Maybe Pilate represents all those men of power who lack the courage of their own convictions. He thought Jesus was innocent (John 18:38, 19:4,6), yet followed the crowd. I have been Pilate.

Peter may stand for those who have been there: felt their guilt, know their need for a Savior, and yet hide it under the pressure of the “in” crowd, a friend or spouse. I have been Peter.

Today, Good Friday, as we remember the day that Jesus was crucified, may we lay our own lives aside and live for Him. “Greater love has no one than this: than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Closing this letter is best done with the words of Dr. Ray Pritchard:

“Finally we are left with the question Pilate asked: “What shall I do then with Jesus?”

You can stand back and say, “I don’t care about him.”

You can push him away and say, “Leave me alone.”

You can open your heart and say, “Lord Jesus, I welcome you into my life.”

That is the best thing you can do. It is the safest thing you can do. Trust him. Run to the cross and lay hold of Jesus who loved you and died for you. What more could you do than what he has done for you?

Jesus or Barabbas. The choice is yours.”

May God give you grace to believe in Jesus and crown him as Savior and Lord today.

In love,

Terri

Suggested Reading: John, Chapters 17 -21

Happy Birthday, Chris Brady!

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

Saturday was Chris’s birthday. A friend asked me how we celebrated it, and I told her that I was with kids in Wilmington for a soccer game and he was with other kids in Roanoke for a soccer game. (We celebrated a different day!)

I have heard that a great way to tell your kids you love them is by telling someone else (in front of the kids) how much you love them. That’s true for husbands too! Of course, maybe this letter is fulfilling the #15 on the list of ways to encourage my husband, but I not-so-secretly hope others husbands see what my king does here that makes him such a great king!

I am so thankful God brought Chris to earth! March 16^th became such a special day for me – because I get to celebrate Chris! I would not be me if there were no Chris; he has helped me more than words can say.

Humility

God used Chris’s immense example of humility to give me some. He is a leader of quiet strength. I have watched him see other people (including me!) get credit for his work – and he gladly shares the joy. I have watched Chris back down from a soapbox that was rightly his. He has coated many hammers with velvet in order to aggressively love while humbly teaching truth.

Uplifting

I didn’t think words of affirmation would ever pierce my tough skin – until they came from someone as admirable as Chris. His words have melted me. He says nice things, but yet somehow convinces me he believes them! Most of all, he stands behind those words and shows me where they apply so repeatedly that slowly I start to believe them too. He loses himself in the uplifting of others.

Marriage Fun

Marriage can have some not-so-fun moments. Chris is fun in the middle of them! (Warning to men: some wives might not have my sense of humor; tread lightly before copying. LOL!) For example, if I were about to lose control over kids stacking dirty dishes (instead of putting them in the dishwasher) I could see Chris putting a dirty dish half-full of cereal on my purse on the counter …to make me laugh.

An outstanding example of his humor in the midst of intensity was years ago, when checking into the hospital in labor with our first baby. I was asked, “Marital status?”

“Married,” I said (in pain).

Chris looked at me in front of the nurses and the waiting room. With disdain in his voice, he said, “You’re married?!!”

Overcoming Adversity

He handles adversity. There is a saying he incorporated into our lives that has probably changed our family’s course: “Doesn’t matter! Doesn’t matter! Doesn’t matter!” Picture him saying it in a fast cadence – like the sound of hitting speed bumps in a trailer park at full speed. (Not…that I would know that sound…) He has used that saying to make sure we keep the main thing the main thing. When obstacles come our way, trying to stop us from keeping our eye on the prize, he will chant it, in crescendos if necessary, “doesn’t matter! DOESN’T matter! DOESN’T MATTER!” And whatever it was, it usually didn’t really matter, despite how my Chicken-Little thinking wanted to make it matter. It didn’t matter that the second story bathroom was leaking water through to the living room, right on top of the baby grand piano. In the grand scheme of things, that was NOT grand. (Pun intended.) Financial goals were met when we shut off that bathroom’s water and waited 2 years until we could afford the time and money for a plumber to fix it. I look back at those 2 years without a master bath, and realize it really DIDN’T MATTER. His living by priorities clarified what DOES matter, and he has shown me how to live that way.

Christian Leadership

Leading is a requirement of any good king. By far, that has been the most attractive trait of Chris – his leadership. It has not always been easy on a marriage (See “turning off water to master bathroom for two years example above.), because his leading sometimes meant that my following required going in a direction against my natural grain. That didn’t stop him from leading. Tough conversations happened. He led. I questioned. He still led. I don’t mean head-down, nose to the grindstone, “I don’t care what you think, you’re doing it my way!” leading; I mean, “I love you; I have prayed; I want what is best for God’s glory, for you, for me, for our kids, and that makes me lead in this direction” kind of leading. It is easier to follow a man who is following the Lord. A velvet hammer. A strong man. Thick skin. A soft heart. A man I will follow to my destiny…born on March 16^th.

Chris’s morning begins by reading his Bible; his day is full of working his utmost for his Highest. I am blessed to be joined in this life with him.

Happy Birthday to my babe!

Love,

Terri Brady

on Humility: Turkey Tastes Better without Lily Pads
on Following: Saved by Submission
on Family Humor: Funny Family Dinner

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Checklist of Character Traits:

Spirituality :

Humility

Priority

Honesty

Accountability

Purity

Generosity

“This is the kind of person to find…to become…to keep.” – Stephen Davey

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