And To My Listening Ear

Posted on June 17, 2013 by Terri

What a week! We have enjoyed some time at our lake home. I hesitate to call it “vacation,” since we are still actively online and phones and extra travel, but we are vacationing from the scheduled soccer and school. God’s artistry in sunrises, sunsets and everything else seems so beautiful when reflected on water.

Reflections on water can lead to reflections on life.

I love “early morning fishing” with my kids. I select one (or sometimes two) of my children, put them in a canoe with a trolling motor, some poles and lures, and we head out to watch the sunrise, while we entice the unseen creatures below.

Why early?

At 5:30am, the lake is serene – no boat wakes or phones with which to contend, no schedules to compete for my kids’ time, just peace outside of two voices – theirs and mine. Oh yeah, and some say the fish bite more at dawn.

Why Photos?

The entire family doesn’t fit into our 3-seated vessel, so we share our victories via camera. Sometimes, on a day without bites, it is fun to go through the photos, to remember the big ones will come!

…

But it’s not about the fish.

“Mom, it doesn’t matter if we catch any fish today,” my 8-year-old serenely said as the trolling motor left a silent “V” sketched in the placid lake behind us. “It is just nice being with you.”

It is a time of reflection – of the new sun off the mirror of water, and of my kids’ thoughts of this turning world. They ask questions in those peaceful hours that maybe get lost in our ninety-miles-per-hour days.

“Do you think I am not catching fish today because I sin too much?”

Pensive.

“Is it ever ok to get angry, because… didn’t Jesus get angry?”

Fighting strong, but wanting answers with a friend along at 5:45am!

My kids’ discussion questions roll out with the line behind the boat. I just want to make sure they know that I am here; I have a listening ear; I am ready with open arms when the storms send unsettling waves. If they don’t know that when they’re 8, they won’t know to look for it when they’re 18.

I LOVE our early times together. I couldn’t help but see the parallel to morning quiet times with God.

Quiet Time with God

Why early?

Before the sun, the world is serene – no waves or phones with which to contend, no schedules to compete with the time (except for the pillow – the evil contender!)

Why Notebook?

Like a photo to share with family, a notebook records my wrestling moments, my tearful prayer requests, and the gut-wrenching thoughts that once prevented my sleep. The answers received through these early morning times with Him are revealed when I read the journal years later. It encourages me: today’s resolution will come in His timing, too.

But it’s not about the ritual; it’s about the relationship.

It is a time when I can tell Him, “It is ok if I don’t catch anything today, I just enjoy being with You.”

In His Word I am reminded that He is here. He has a listening ear; He is ready with open arms when the storms send unsettling waves – which sometimes are the lure that got me there in the first place.

…

“Don’t let your child be the ‘one that got away’,” is the advertisement line from Zebco fishing equipment. Maybe someone at that company had some good fishing conversations with his kids, too.

Girlfriend, don’t be the one who got away from God. As Rick Warren says,

“If you feel far from God right now, guess who moved.”

Tomorrow: tell the pillow to have a good day without you. Grab a pen, a notebook and a Bible, and enjoy a relationship with Him. Read, pray, speak and listen.

“Failure in my life almost always begins with a famine of God’s Word and prayer.” – Anne Graham Lotz

“It’s better to be sleep deprived than God deprived.” – Jill Briscoe

Eternally His,
Terri

Shine On a Parade

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

My mom woke me one Pennsylvania morning on my birthday and told me God had wrapped my present in white, if I would just look outside. (SNOW!) Although, I had always wished for one of those cool pool-party-birthdays my friends had in the summer, my parents had a way of making my birthday special just five days before Christmas.

Mom never wrapped my birthday present in Christmas paper, but went through the

inconvenience of getting the “out of season” birthday paper to make my day different. I was the envy of my brothers (I was sure) when I got presents two days in the same week.

Then some adult came and rained on my parade.

“You must hate having a Christmas birthday!” the adult had said.

“What’s there to hate?” was my thought, but what I said at that young age was, “yeah,” in agreement with the adult, and my heart searched for reasons to hate it.

I am reminded of this every June 10^th, because I remember a time someone rained on my son’s parade. That date was already special to me because it is my friend’s birthday, but then we became parents on June 10^th of 1997, an answer to many prayers! June 10^th’s value multiplied when our second son was ALSO born on that same date three years later. I had painted their shared birthday with a positive brush, the same way my mother had painted my Christmas birthday with positive. My boys always get double cakes. (Although sometimes they help me and one requests cupcakes, cookies, or cookie dough instead!) Their uncles often call one, hang up and then call the other so they get double calls. They can “party hardy” together – and will have it in common all through adulthood. AND they can sing the song, “You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday too, yeah!” and really mean it!

Casey was four or five, when some adult came into his life and said, “You must hate sharing a birthday with your brother. That stinks.” I watched my son’s sky turn a little gray as he probably contemplated why it was a bad thing; he had never known any different.

It must be easier to rain on a parade than shine on it.

When my milk-allergic son was two, eating a frozen banana covered with sprinkles, enjoying every minute of it, someone at the store decided to shower some rain, “You can never have ice cream? Never? I couldn’t LIVE if I were you!”

Someone recently drizzled on my daughter, “You might be able to put dew from the grass on your face and wipe off those freckles.”

I know I know: some of those negative comments are from people just trying to be fun. Some are trying to “relate,” but too often un-contemplated words are just a form of precipitation on a parade! (My husband has spent hours counting the freckles on my daughter’s face – so I am thinking the “wiping the freckles off” comment didn’t stick, but I could practically see her thoughts: “Am I supposed to want to wipe them off?”)

Small talking at graduation parties recently, I saw my own tendency toward rain as thoughts crossed my mind during conversations. It IS easier to bring up negative subjects, spread negative news, or in other words: rain on the parade. But we are not called to the easier path. We CAN paint some positive into peoples’ lives. What if we encouraged the mother of the handicapped child, instead of pointing out how difficult her life is? (She already knew that part.) What if we told the person getting married that he is going to LOVE married life, instead of pointing out the ball and chain? What if we stop negatively saying, “You sure have your hands full!” to the mom with five young kids in the store and instead we say, “Wow, I bet you have some joyful times coming in your house!” What if we told someone in a storm of life that without the rain, a sun can never make a rainbow?

Do you remember someone who brought out the sun in your parade called life?

I remember what I considered, “messing up” a reading at church during the Christmas program when I was ten. Afterward, the minister’s wife came to me (as if she hadn’t even heard my error) and said, “You are a beautiful reader!”

Her husband immediately interjected, “And you read well too!”

Ha! That one pierced through some clouds.

I have told it before (when Shouting Out to my Dad) that when I had burned the cookies, and my brothers were making fun as brothers do, my father came in, took a bite and exclaimed, “Finally! Cookies made just the way I like them!!” That one still makes me smile – shining sun onto my parade thirty years later!

A most memorable sun shined into my life in February of 2010. A man sent an email to my husband with the subject title, “Should there be a second author in the Brady house?” This was a strange, “out of the blue” comment from someone I was yet to meet. Attached to the letter was a fifteen-page pdf presentation encouraging me to write. Apparently Russ Mack, who had helped get Chris’s best seller published, had seen me speak on stage somewhere with Chris. The first page of his document had a copy of the “NY Times Best Selling Author” award from my husband’s book, Launching a Leadership Revolution, but Russ had Photoshopped an “s” on the end, so the ribbon now said, “NY Times Best Selling Authors.”

For fifteen pages, Russ quoted Benjamin Franklin, (“We should all write something worth reading or live something worth writing.”) and others and told me “Somewhere, somebody is looking for exactly what you have to offer.” Since he was involved in marketing books, there was weight to his opinion that was both flattering and humbling to me. His sun was high in the sky, shining on my parade.

Despite little response from me and nothing in it for him, his encouragement didn’t stop. A few weeks later, he emailed me again to see if I had thought through his proposal. I must admit, I couldn’t figure out why he would continue encouraging me, especially since I had told him, “thanks, but no thanks.”

In 2011, another letter came, “It looks like the world still needs your wisdom.” Later that year, within one week of the first letter of this blog, this Russ Mack sent me another email telling me he knew it would be a success. I was shocked he had already found my blog, since I had not told him. Another letter came the next year. His sun shined brightly and consistently.

Although I only actually met him once or twice, I consider Russ’s encouragement such a blessing. He was such a sun on my parade.

But suns set.

Last week, Russ’s sun set, when he lost his battle to cancer and went to be with the Lord.

Though I did not know him well, I can tell you that the effects of his sun will warm and give light to my life and many others’.

May we each follow his example of shining onto the parades of others’ lives.

Encourage when there’s nothing in it for you.

Encourage again, even if there’s no acknowledgment.

Be positive toward others, even when you feel like your own life is a little cloudy, and you will be surprised how the sun reflects back on your own parade.

And one day, like Russ, when your sun is set, the effects will shine on the parades of others for years to come.

God bless,
Terri

1Thes 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Finding a Character to Marry (How to Find a Spouse)

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Terri

Dear Lindsey,

Chris and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary last month! Yes, I got married when I was 10!

I thought it would be fun to write a note about “how to find a spouse,” but when I told Chris, he said, “How can you write about that subject, when there is only one as perfect as I am, and you already got me?!” Ha! Yes I do!

Truth be told, Chris was not the first man to propose to me. When I was a young intern at General Motors, every day when I returned from work to my 2^nd floor apartment in Sandusky, OH, a man was waiting in the parking lot. He would watch for my car, and then follow me to my place, shouting to my back, “Will you marry me? Please?!”

Having had a previous run-in with a stalker, I was always cautious when I lived alone. I added locks to keep even the landlord from being able to enter without my permission when I was home. In the balcony’s sliding glass door track, I put a long, 1-inch-diamter metal dowel that would prevent the door from sliding if the lock gave way.

When home after work one day, I put on my bathing suit and headed through that sliding glass door to my deck for some sun. I stepped out onto my balcony and slid the door closed behind me. Unfortunately, the rod slid down into the track as I pulled the door shut, locking me out onto my own deck. I stood out there in a bathing suit that was reserved for privacy of a 2^nd floor fenced balcony and wondered who would hear my voice from my perch. I scanned the area, and the only person within earshot was the man who wished to be my fiancé! I decided I would die of starvation on that deck before I would ever climb down in front of him, or ask him for help.

Haha!

Had I climbed down from there, maybe that would have been one way to gain a spouse. But that is not the way I am advocating in this Letter.

How to Find a Spouse

Tony Robbins suggests that you don’t marry someone until you know how he or she will react when: angry, sick, tired or wet. So I suppose you could ask your perspective spouse on a date to get something to eat, then drive around lost, delaying the meal, almost wrecking and drop him/her off in a big puddle in front of a sprinkler system to see the reaction. If you survive the night, you have found a fiancé! Luckily Chris didn’t choose that route.

When I searched online for “how to find a spouse,” there were many answers – which provided mere entertainment for me. Wikipedia, which is a website of “majority of opinions,” provided solutions, some of which were:

– Make a list of at least 15 things you want, physical features, etc. Then determine which ones you are willing to give up as less important and compromise.

– “If you cannot picture self with this person and being happy with them for 30/40 years, then they are not the right person for you. Take marriage seriously to avoid divorce.”

– “Go over your list and see what a person would see in you. If you want to marry someone with money, a rich person with any sense won’t take up with someone who is overly motivated by wealth; therefore, get your finances in order so that you aren’t desperate, can show that you know how to deal with money, and won’t be disappointed (at least not financially) by a prenuptial agreement.”

– Watch out. Probably not a good spouse if they have one of these red flags: 1. Can’t get their driver’s license, 2. Can’t hold a professional job. 3. Didn’t complete their college degree.

Or my favorite funny WIKI answer:

– “You don’t have to jump into bed with everyone you date to know if they are compatible.”

(WOW, I’m glad someone shared that!)

Further search online revealed an actual mathematical calculation for how to find a spouse.

In an article entitled, “How to Find a Spouse: A Problem in Discrete Mathematics with an Assist from Calculus,” Dan Teague states:

If there are N candidates, how can you maximize the probability that you select your best match?

Strategy: Date k people without making a selection. Then, select the first person judged to be better than any of the first k.

We want to find the value of k (relative to N) that gives us the greatest probability of selecting from the best spouse for among the N potential choices.

…The probability of success settles down as k increases to approximately 0.368 as well. Using this process, we find that we can be successful in selecting the best from a group of N by letting approximately 37% of the available positions go by then selecting the first choice better than any seen before about 37% of the time. And this is true no matter how large N is! This is a strikingly high probability. Using this process, you can select the best out of 5000 almost 37% of the time, by letting the first 1839 go by and then selecting the first choice better than any of those 1839.

So, in essence, date 1,839 people, and break up with them. Then choose the next one you like better than the first 1,839 and you may have found your spouse. This article also suggests to students that marrying your high school sweetheart is not a particularly good strategy, so don’t get too serious too soon. “Go out with a number of people to see whom you like and who likes you. Then make your choice.”

Wow! I guess Chris and I REALLY beat the odds, because he was a number less than 1,839!

Pastor Stephen Davey has different (and more helpful!) advice for looking for a spouse. In Chapter 7 of his book, Ruth (when Fairytales Come True), he says that there are no Bible verses that tell how to find a mate or biblically fall in love. I personally saw some methods in the Bible though: like God making a mate for a guy (Adam) out of one of his ribs (Genesis 2:22). Or having your dad send one of his servants to find you a mate working at the well (Genesis 24). Or maybe this one: work seven years to earn the right to marry your mate’s older sister, then work another seven years to earn the right to marry the one you really wanted (Genesis 29)!

OK, I jest. I am not suggesting those methods, but they seem easier than some of the methods I have heard people share!

Twenty-five percent of couples today meet online. Out of those, it is estimated 90% are lying about something on their profile. Guys tend to lie about income or current marital status (ouch!), while ladies are more likely to gloss over their physical attributes or their age, according to Davey’s book.

Many singles are trying to speed the process by developing more than one online relationship at a time!

So really, what is more godly: using an online dating service or your dad sending his servant to the nearest well to see if there are any chicks hanging out there? My answer: both are allowed by God…IF you do the right thing, and do not act in fear. (Lying, for example, is acting in fear – doing the wrong thing for fear the right thing will take too long). However, as Davey rightly cautions: wherever the meeting, online or at the well, it should be for introduction purposes only.

He continues by saying that the search for a mate shouldn’t be so much about looking for someone compatible – someone like you – as it should be about looking for someone with character – someone like Christ. “Looking” for a spouse and “waiting” for a spouse are two different actions. If you feel led to “wait” instead of “look,” then by all means wait! God has a plan for the character you will marry! The following still applies:

Davey has a “checklist of character traits,” that I thought worthy of sharing here. After all, I think this should trump WIKI’s opinion! This list is not only that which you would be seeking in a future spouse, but also one you should strive to emulate while you are waiting.

As John Maxwell says, we attract that which we are.

Checklist of Character Traits:

Spirituality :

If looking for a Christian mate, your search should begin with looking for conversion. Is their Christianity a secret? If they treat Christ dishonorably, they are more likely to do the same to you.
Is it a secret?
- Does your prospective spouse talk about God?
- Does he/she want to please Him?
- Does he/she encourage you to follow His ways?
- Have you ever seen his/her Bible?
- A common love for the Lord can erase all other compatibility issues.
Psalm 127:1 “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.”

Humility

“I can’t believe you chose me!” should be his/her attitude.
- Even after twenty years of marriage, I still feel this attitude from my husband, Chris…and I really can’t believe he chose ME!
While a common love for the Lord can erase compatibility issues, a common love for SELF will destroy any relationship.

Priority

What matters most to him/her?
What does he value most in you – and is it something that you value as well?
- If Chris had told me it was
  - my potential salary
  - my body
  - my hair
  - my common love for football and ability to throw it
- I would have realized it was TEMPORARY admiration
What your perspective spouse values most will be what he/she values in you and even your kids after marriage, so his/her priorities MATTER.
Priorities matter when judging character

Honesty

Has your perspective mate been truthful about things, even if it has the potential of ruining the party?
- Former relationships?
Have you seen him/her tell “little white lies?” without guilt?
- Calling in sick for work
- Fudging numbers to the landlord
No matter how it seems different, if you are the witness to lies, you are likely to be on the other side of a lie one day.
If you want an honest spouse, then honesty will be displayed before marriage.
If you want honest children one day, then marry an honest spouse.
I guess the only real candidates for your spouse should be those who are “candid dates.”
(OH, By the way, I did NOT get married when I was 10. I just felt I needed to clarify that lie right now. 🙂 )

Accountability

To whom does your perspective mate submit?
- His drinking buddies?
- Her girlfriends?
- You?
  - If your only accountability is each other, you will be like a ship floating at sea with no rudder. You will be lost.
Is it the Word of God?
You are accountable too!
- “Become someone who is willing to stay single, rather than disobey the Word of God, and you are worthy of being married. Find someone who is willing to stay single, rather than disobey the Word and they will be worthy of being your spouse.”
If that individual does not honor the Word of God, you have no evidence that they will lead an honorable life.

Purity

Purity is more than just “not going all the way.”
- What movies do you watch? Together and alone?
- What conversations do you have? in texting?
- You will know it is pure, when you could invite Jesus to sit down next to you and watch or read it.
  - Because He does.

Generosity

If you find someone who is stingy and selfish, do not think that he or she will become generous once you are married.
Does he think of others?
Is she serving and caring?
How does he treat his mother?
Are there causes on her heart outside of her hair salon?

“This is the kind of person to find…to become…to keep.” – Stephen Davey

Watch for “Finding a Character to Marry (How to Find a Spouse), Part 2” in another Letter to Lindsey soon.

God bless,

Terri Brady

P.S. I was able to shimmy the door on the balcony open, raising the dowel rod and allowing me back into my apartment without summoning a future fiancé or starving to death. I guess my blocked entry was not as break-in-proof as I had thought. 🙂

Letters to Lindsey

Monthly Archives: June 2013

And To My Listening Ear

Why early?

Why Photos?

But it’s not about the fish.

Quiet Time with God

Why early?

Why Notebook?

But it’s not about the ritual; it’s about the relationship.

Shine On a Parade

Finding a Character to Marry (How to Find a Spouse)

How to Find a Spouse